Home > Uncategorized > Tips For Staying Out Of Trouble In The Army

Tips For Staying Out Of Trouble In The Army

  1. Never tell an officer you are smarter than they are, especially if it is true.
  2. You are not allowed to purchase the souls of others on the Army’s time.
  3. Remember that not even God outranks an E-9.
  4. You can’t chew gum in formation, unless you bring enough for everyone.
  5. You can’t chew gum in formation even if you did bring enough for everyone.
  6. Don’t address any medic by the name “Dr. Feelgood”.
  7. You can’t ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
  8. You are not authorized to fire officers.
  9. Don’t trade military equipment for magic beans.
  10. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and you have an E-4 on yours, it means he outranks you. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
  11. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
  12. You may not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
  13. You must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
  14. If the thought of something makes you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume that you are not allowed to do it.
  15. “Mom” is not an alternative form of address for your first sgt.
  16. “Dad” is not an alternative form of address for your commander.
  17. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
  18. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and you should not test that.
  19. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not to tell your chain of command what you really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.
  20. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
  21. You are not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
  22. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine bottle is not a good combination.
  23. Do not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks you.
  24. Do not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
  25. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
  26. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time you hear the song “Hot Stuff”.
  27. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #26.
  28. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil your newest off color joke.
  29. Megaphones are not acceptable replacements for issued radios.
  30. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
  31. The proper way to report to your CO is “(rank)(surname), reporting as ordered, Sir” not “you can’t prove a thing”.
  32. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
  33. Do not give, receive or request lap dances while in uniform, especially when assigned to CQ.
  34.  If detained by MP’s, you do not have a right to a strip search.
  35. No part of the Army uniform is edible.
  36. You are not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
  37. Furby’s are not allowed into classified areas.
  38. You may not invent new levels of security clearances.
  39. You may not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
  40. Don’t use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of your chain of command.
  41. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.
  42. Do not attempt to shave with fire.
  43. Your rifle can’t be set to stun.
  44. Do not glue magnets to LT’s compass’s.
  45. “I was cold” is a bad reason to be in the female barracks.
  46. CS grenades should not be used in place of smoke grenades.
  47. Work is not a valid allergy to put on your medical records. Neither is BS, officers, NCO’s, or latrine duty.
  48. Do not replace the COL PARKING ONLY sign with a SPC PARKING ONLY sign.
  49. CamelBaks are for water, not beer.
  50. You may not build a statue of yourself using government resources.
  51. You are not allowed to fly a Jolly Roger from the antenna mount.
  52. “Survival Training” is not an appropriate response when caught shooting wild game with a cleaning rod and blanks.
  53. Mortar rounds fired on “Delay” are not to be used for trying to uproot trees on the range.
Categories: Uncategorized
  1. 2012/07/06 at 21:59

    “21. You are not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.”

    What about mounting a civilian agricultural bale spear on a tank?

  2. 2012/07/07 at 00:11

    I foresee no issues, but I never had much experience with tanks. I would try it, though I imagine if someone got close enough to a tank to make it useful they would either get mushed, or gunned down by the infantry that is hopefully accompanying said tank.

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